写作经验浅谈(本站原创)-英语

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写作经验浅谈(本站原创)-英语


Ohour按语: 这里写的一切,仅是个人对写作的一点浅见,不当之处,希望高手批评指正;同时也希望对考友有所启示。因为时间很紧,文中有些打字错误,请原谅。

另外,对于处于写作初级阶段的朋友,ohou有几篇对一些朋文章的分析评论在《真正的作文水平提高!请你找错儿!05真题作文自己写(网友写真题作文汇总讨论贴)》板块中,朋友们可以参考。

下面以《真正的作文水平提高!请你找错儿!05真题作文自己写(网友写真题作文汇总讨论贴)》板块中willingking 在39楼 “TO 37 楼 rurutangdou”的那篇A computer addiction为例来说明,也作为对willingking邀请回答的致谢。

下面以willingking的第一段来剖析得失。
willingking的第一段析评:
As is shown by the above picture, we can see a hand which is putting on a computer mouse. The mouse is linked to the computer closely by an iron chain. Studying further, we will obtain more meanings. First and foremost, the iron chain stands for the addiction to the computer. Besides, the hand presents people who nearly have a habit/strong interest in using/use computers.
总体评语:
总得来说,第一段如果作为应试的文章还可以将就。但是如果从写作的角度上说,就显得很平淡了,只是简单地描述了一下图画,指出了其中的喻义而已。这样来写来,文章的价值就显得不够。就这样一件事真的值得写一篇文章来讨论吗?读者或许会这样发问的。
如果想要把文章写活,对于这一幅画就应当“小题大做”。第一段中似乎应当造成某种冲突。我们甚至不必想象就知道,电脑原本是应方便、快捷之运而产生的。而图画中则变成了一种耗费时间与精力的事物了——它的功能在某种意义上走向了反面。
另外,这一部分中还缺少了控制全篇的主题陈述。这样一来,这一段读完,读者仍然不知道作者究竟有什么样的观点,看法。这是一个比较严重的失误。

技巧评语:
从第三句开始的写法还是可以的。首先指出了图画有多重意义。后面两句具体叙述意义体现在什么地方。语句之间还有过渡词语,两重意义体现得较为清晰。
语言评价:
第一句有点罗嗦,而表现力不够。其实为了突出人受电脑的控制,完全可以这样来写 As is shown in the picture, a hand is glued tightly/firmly to the mouse。这一句中的其他不足在于As…picture中,介词应当用in; we…mouse至少可以更简洁:we can see a hand on a computer mouse.
第二句中的will用得不好,语气有点生硬,不如用may显得柔和。另外,meaning也不准确,似应当用implications。
第四句表达欠准确,我的意思是指该句没有能够充分体现电脑对人的控制。另外,该句中的过渡词语first and foremost中的and foremost是没有用的。事实上,第四、五句之间看不出哪个比哪个重要。这里用了foremost人为加强第一层含义,显得没有道理。提醒作者们注意,过渡词语只能表现被描述事物之间的关系,而不能够创造它们之间的关系。或许willingking是背模板套用的,但这样的只套用而不活用显然对作写是不利的,让人觉得这个过渡词语是陈词滥腔。

关于引入部分的写作
很多朋友对这一分部写作的功能不太清楚。我们可以问这样一个问题:为什么考研作文要考生对图画进行描述?难道是仅仅为了考察考生的语言描述能力?以不才愚见,这个回答是站不住的。因为,如果是仅仅为了考察考生的语言描述能力,考生在作文中其他地方表现出来的语言能力就足可以让人判断出考生的语言水平如何了。其实,引入段的有其在成文过程中的功能。

第一是引入话题;

第二是为整篇文章垫定价值意义,也就是这个话题为什么值得写这篇文章;

第三是作者对话题中涉及的事物提出自己明确、个体的看法,亦即陈述统摄全篇的主题思想。这一点很重要;英语写作(说明文与议论文)一般是不需要也不应当让读者去归纳主题思想的,作者应当将自己的看法、观点明确的告诉读者。
(这里需要指出的是,在这个论坛中,很多作文练习缺乏主题陈述,以致造成文章中后面的扩展段落部分常常走题。让人读了觉得“言虽多而不要其中”。可见在引入部分不写主题陈述不仅对读者造成不便,也容易使作者——尤其是初级英语写作者——难以控制自己的思路。)

而这上面三点中第三、第二点比第一点更重要。因为第三点控制着全文,第二点决定了第一点的写法。所以有时候作者会在第一段的一开始就提出看法、观点,然后再去描述现象或事件;而有时候作者会在引入部分先进行描述,然后才提出看法、观点。两种写法的差异无法归纳而条理化——至少在下没有这种能力,抱歉了;所以请大家在平时的阅读中自己体会。一般情况下,作者的观点是不会出现在描述过程中的;也就是说,大家要么将主题陈述放在引入部分的开始,要么放在这一部分的最后。但无论如何,陈述主题必需的。

也正是因为以上三点在引入部分的重要性的不同,对于事件的描述,有的时候是可以放入一个从句中去而成为一种背景信息,而不必非将它作为独立的部分写出不可(这一点请不熟悉作文模板的考友勿试,试不好会画虎不成反类犬的,请谨慎)。
就willingking的第一段试改如下,以供参考。
As is shown in the picture above, a hand is tightly glued to a computer mouse linked to a personal computer by an iron chain. Clearly, the iron chain stands for the control of the computer over the person who indulges himself in the cyberspace. An implication from the picture can be figured out that the personal computer, a high-tech device originally created for saving time and energy so as to benefit humankind, ironically turns out to be a gadget murdering the time and energy of quite some people.

willingking的第二段析评:
Obviously, it goes without saying that the drawing aims at revealing a common and serious problem: today, more and more people indulge themselves in playing computers . Due to lack of self-control, people indulge in computer deeply. What's more, this addiction does more harm to humankind than good. For instance, when a student gets lost in games, he should loses his interest in study. Similarly, when an adult indulges in on-line games, he may totally lacks concern about other stuffs. By indulging in games, they may get lost when they are dropping into the fictitious characters and fabricated stories and may not care for the reality.
总体评语:
这一段写得甚至还不如第一段。首先,第一句中more and more people indulge …computers这里的语义已与第一段中的addiction有简单复重之嫌。而第二句则更是如此,直截了当地重复第一句中的indulge。以不才愚见,这两句如果要保留其中一句,那也应当将这一句放到上面一段中去,直接将这作为一个问题(problem)接在对图画的描述之后,或放在对图画的描述之前,作为引入句。
这一段还有一个毛病,读起来让人觉得是为了说问题而说问题。不太像是第一段合乎逻辑的发展。在下猜测,可能是作者写到这里不知怎样下笔才出了如此下策。
技巧评语:
从第三句开始的写作意识还算不错。第三句可以算作一个比较浅显的观点,第四、五句可以看作是对第三句的举例说明。然而第六句呢,在下看不出这一句的具体功用:它似乎应当是一个与第三句平行或深入的一个观点,却无下文加以扩展,说明;又像是对前两个事例的总体评说,如果真是这样,那么作者就并没有明确地表现这一点。第六句的写作是犯了写作的大忌,语句功能不清。
语言评语:
第一句,套用写作模板,机械的历害。…it goes without saying that可以直接删除,aims也可以去掉,common太过分,不如用wide spread。另外,what’s more这个过渡词无法使得下文与前面两句衔接起来,起不到承上启下的作用。第四、五句中分别有很不应该犯的语法失误:he should loses; he may…lacks处的两个动词都应当用原形。

关于扩展部分的写作。
关于扩展部分的写作,很多写作教材从写技巧的方面有说明,什么举例啦,比较啦,讨论因果啦,……等等。当然这些技巧是有用的。问题是什么时候来用,没有一本教材告诉大家。这是做不到的。这样一来,既使大家知道了这些技巧的说法,却仍然不能写出像样的文章。其中有两个可能重要原因,第一,引入段落中没有主题陈述,造成扩展部分没有依托,不知从哪里下笔;第二,有了一些想法,但却不知道这些想法中哪里需要扩展。(这只是我读论坛中作文练习作的推测,如果大家在写扩展部分其他原因[语言表达除外]请写贴回复,供我思考,帮我进步,先谢过了。)
其实,扩展部分的功能就是对引入部分中主题陈述的解释说明。也就是将主题陈述中最关键的那一点写清楚。如果那一点可以分为多个方面来说,那一般情况下扩展部就应当有相应的几个段落。如果要将这几个方面放入一个段落来写,那得有相当高的语言、结构能力才行;否则容易写乱。
对于扩展部分的写作,首先要将主题陈述分方面/分小点,每一个小点应是一个分观点。然后对于这个分观点中那一部分是关键词语(当然有时候整个语句都重要),后续的句子就可是说明、释义、突出意义等等策略使用,以写作中举例、因果、过程描述……技巧来体现。
举我上面对willingking第一段修改后的最后一句为起点(那一句是控制全篇的主题陈述)来说明。
这一句是主题陈述。其中主要信息是the personal computer turns out to be a gadget murdering the time and energy of quite some people。而这一句中关键词语是murdering time and energy而已。因此下文只须扩展这两点即可,也就是让读者看,电脑如今是如何糟蹋相当一部人的时间和精力的。
那么文章的第二个自然段就应当围绕第一个方面:murdering time来扩展;第三个自然段围绕murdering energy来扩展。在考研中可以将这两个自然段合而为一,不过要很好地使用过渡词语,以表明这两点之间的关系。
当然第二段的写作,一般不会直接说the personal computer murders the time of those who indulge in it. 这里须要将murder换成consume,因为主题陈述中的murder原本就一个比喻的用法,这里还原本义。但是还原本义之后,却不能体现作者的态度了,解决办法是添加副词来修饰,以表明作者的态度。顺便说一句,形容词、副词不是随便用的。用它们是为了准确表达,增强文章的表现力。这里可很简单地加上worthlessly, 或uselessly,insignificantly……,但不能用meaninglessly。这样第二段的开始句(主题句)便可轻易地写出来了。The personal computer worthlessly consumes the time of those addicted to it./Those addicted to the personal computer always spend worthlessly their time on it.
有了主题句,后面就该围绕这一主题句中consume worthlessly/spend worthlessly进行扩展,这个语词可称作这一段落的支配观点。如何扩展呢?先来分析一下这个短语中到底含有什么,第一,consume/spend,耗费时间;第二,worthless,毫无价值,甚至有害。
关于consume/spend的扩展现在已经变化的很清晰了,只要写出电脑耗了那些人大量的时间就可以了。至于怎样表现大量间不须我再说了,举例就行了。
然后扩展worthless,这里也很晰了,只须写出这些时间毫无回报,甚会遗害。也是举例就可以了。见下文。
As is shown in the picture above, a hand is tightly glued to a computer mouse linked to a personal computer by an iron chain. Clearly, the iron chain stands for the control of the computer over the person who indulges himself in the cyberspace. An implication from the picture can be figured out that the personal computer, a high-tech device originally created for saving time and energy so as to benefit humankind, ironically turns out to be a gadget murdering the time and energy of quite some people.
The personal computer worthlessly consumes the time of those addicted to it. A survey shows the average time spent on it of those addicted amounts to 16 hours a day. And the minimum continuous time spent on thel computer is 12 hours, while the maximum soars surprisingly to 168 hours—a whole week! Needlessly to say, the computer has eaten up their time for work, for sports and, worse still, their precious time for rest—a natural activity for refreshment to keep the body functioning normally.
The personal computer has also depleted their vigor. In the survey, almost all those computer freaks feel sluggish in their jobs. They have lost their interests in outdoor activities. Some even become so feeble that they sweat when standing for a short while. It seems that they are being burned out by the high-tech monster.

willingking的第三段析评:
What should be done to cope with this severe phenomenon? In the first place, we must advertise more on this subject by mass media, in order to keep folks informed of the harm of abusing computers. In the second place, an education campaign must be launched, particularly among the get-use-to-computers young people. In the third place, the government should pass through relevant laws to limit on-line games. All in all, the whole society should try their best to solve this problem.
总体评语
第三段willinging总体上写得不错,提出了具体的解决办法,呼应了文章的一开始,没有走题,不错。问题在于办法虽多,却基本上没有写清楚为什么可以用这些办法的理由。这样一来,办法的可信度、意义就大打折扣了。
技巧评语
还可以。但还是显得欠灵活。其实,只需提出一种办法,说清楚它的好处就可以了。另外,第一句像是凑字数;这一问是不必要的。另外最后一句并没有能够围绕这一段中的前面三个办法来总述,显得大而无当。这似乎也是很多初学英语写作者的通病,喜欢大发感慨。
语言评语
罗嗦。第一句当删除。第二in the first place,可改为firstly; 后面的至少可改为we must inform them the harms from abusing computers by the mass media; 所以第一句可以改成,To solve the problem, we must inform them the harms of abusing computers。 后面的类似,不再赘言。总的来说,语言过于追求复杂,使得要点淹没于眼花缭乱的词语和句式之中。

关于结尾
结尾部分的主要功能再于呼应主题,使得文章有完整性。至于结尾的方法,多数写作教材都有说明。这里不再多说。但有一点还可提醒大家,结尾中该说清楚的地方还是要说清楚的。比如willingking的结尾没有提出每种办法的回报会体现在什么地方,因而结尾在细节方面不太成功。

As is shown in the picture above, a hand is tightly glued to a computer mouse linked to a personal computer by an iron chain. Clearly, the iron chain stands for the control of the computer over the person who indulges himself in the cyberspace. An implication from the picture can be figured out that the personal computer, a high-tech device originally created for saving time and energy so as to benefit humankind, ironically turns out to be a gadget murdering the time and energy of quite some people.
The personal computer worthlessly consumes the time of those addicted to it. A survey shows the average time spent on it of those addicted amounts to 16 hours a day. And the minimum continuous time spent on the personal computer is 12 hours, while the maximum soars surprisingly to 168 hour—a whole week! Needlessly to say, the computer has eaten up their time for work, for sports and, worse still, their precious time for rest—an natural activity for refreshment to keep the body functioning normally.
The personal computer has also depleted their vigor. They survey finds almost all those computer freaks feel sluggish in their jobs as a result of staying too long before the computer. They also have lost their enthusiasms for outdoor activities. Some even become so feeble that they sweat when standing for a short while. It seems that they are being burned out by the high-tech monster.
The sole way for the addicts to restore the proper use of the computer relies on themselves. Only when they have a sound recognition that the computer is but a tool to facilitate their life instead of their master can they develop their self-control. If they can limit their time on using the computer within 6 hours a day, their life will be freed from the trap of the computer and will return to its track. 

当然,这篇文章这样写还是有“小儿科”之嫌。只不过是将一篇短文写得有点像而已。如果真要写有关这一话题的文章,肯定是不会这样写的。比如,不才会去探讨人们耽溺于电脑空间的心理原因了。然而如果那样来写,恐怕会写得很复杂,不是一篇入门短文的能容纳的。

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